A few years ago, a controversial novel was purchased and read by millions of women worldwide. It was also the fastest-selling novel for adults of all time.

That book was titled Fifty Shades of Grey, and its popularity came as a surprise to book publishers, who thought they knew exactly what women wanted to read about – and it wasn’t hot kinky sex.

Fifty Shades of Grey was a very adult novel, and it took the reader into a world of forced sex and mild BDSM. It played out the fantasy of a woman who liked to be dominated in sexual situations.

Apparently, many women fantasize about this, as do many men – ask any call girl about her most popular services.

Everyone is different, but I suspect most of us secretly harbor some type of fantasy, fetish, or kinky desire within. Do you have something in the back of your mind (or tucked away in the back of a drawer or cupboard) that you are just dying to share with the right partner?

If you do, then realize that having a fantasy, fetish, or kink is perfectly normal. We all like different things, we all have different personalities, and we all get off in different ways.

That isn’t to say that what you find erotically stimulating won’t come across as gross or a complete turn-off by another person.

Kinks and fetishes are only considered unacceptable if they involve engaging in non-consensual behavior, if they cause severe psychological distress, or pose an unacceptable level of risk or harm to the perpetrator or others.

A recent survey by a UK drug store online doctor revealed that 18.4% of people felt uncomfortable asking their partners to fulfill their sexual fantasies, and 23.6% only felt somewhat comfortable talking about their sexual wants and needs in the bedroom.

These statistics are understandable given that many unusual fetishes and kinks are still heavily stigmatized. However, the stigma has lessened a little in recent years as our society becomes more tolerant and aware of different people’s sexual tastes through mainstream television shows and films.

However, telling someone what you want in bed can still be a terrifying prospect.

Even the most confident person will worry about how they’ll be judged when they reveal such an intimate thing about themselves. You never know how the other person will react.

What you don’t want to hear when you disclose your most secret desires is a reaction of shock and disgust, unless, of course, what you lust for is grossly offensive, immoral, or just plain illegal.

Likewise, if your partner is to lay bare their secret fantasies, they also don’t want to be judged in the same way. Again, unless what they’re suggesting is so very wrong that they need help.

Saying nothing is easy, but you don’t do yourself or your partner any favors by avoiding the subject.

You or your partner will soon start to find sex somewhat repetitive, perhaps even dull, and may look to fulfill their kinky needs outside of a settled relationship and with another person (or others) with whom they have little emotional attachment.

At best, you may start spending an extraordinary amount of time masturbating in private over thoughts of your fetish or by watching porn depicting it.

Discussing your darkest desires isn’t easy at the best of times, and it is an incredibly challenging topic to bring up with someone you’ve recently started seeing.

So before your whip out that enema kit, that full-body rubber gimp suit, or that 9” realistic strap-on, here are seven tips for discussing your kinks with a partner without freaking them out or making them feel uncomfortable.

Remember, they need to know what you’re into and consent to, and you need to see if you’re in a relationship that can meet your sexual desires.

1. Know What You Like

First things first, you should know exactly what you’re looking for and how to convey that message to your significant other.

You want them to get a clear and very sexy image in their minds when you describe what you like to do or have done to you.

If you’re able to explain what turns you on clearly and efficiently, you can get your partner excited about it too.

But if you fumble around, painting an unclear picture, it might make them more nervous or confused than aroused.

It’s essential to practice what you’re going to say first because, on top of having to tell someone about your fetish or kink, you might also have to explain what it means; that way, you have a solid start.

The Top 10 Most Popular Kinks and Fetishes

My favorite sex toy retailer, Lovehoney, recently canvased 2000 people to reveal the top 10 most popular kinks and fetishes. This was the result – is one of yours in here?

For a pretty comprehensive list of every kink imaginable, head to Bad Girl’s Bible – You’ll recognize many kinks described here, but be prepared for some pretty weird ones such as Dacryphilia – sexual arousal to seeing tears or crying, and others that may make your toes curl.

2. Have The Conversation Outside of the Bedroom

Your partner needs to be comfortable during this conversation. So, they shouldn’t be in a vulnerable state when the conversation begins, unless your partner is explicitly asking you what gets you hot while you’re having sex.

If that’s the case, then go for it.

Otherwise, maybe discuss it during dinner at home or after watching a specifically hot sex scene during a movie. Watching others get it on usually puts thoughts of sex into our minds, so it’s the perfect segue.

This conversation is all about trust and feeling comfortable enough in your own body (and your fantasies) to find the courage to open up.

Start by making it clear that you are bearing your soul from a position of trust. If you tell the other person you’re exposing your deepest fetishes and kinks because you trust them, they are less likely to be dismissive and take you more seriously.

Please don’t be afraid to communicate any anxiety or fear you have to your partner when you open up this way.

Having these conversations can be incredibly liberating once you pluck up the courage to have them.

Your partner might share your dirty thoughts in the best case scenario and even offer to do them with you or to you.

When you realize that your lover wants to do the same kinky things as you and perhaps even enjoy it as much if not more than you, then you’ll experience the mother of all releases.

Some partners will fully accept your kinks but don’t necessarily want to do it with you.

If your kink lends itself to solo satisfaction, then so be it. You’ll still get contentment from knowing that your secret is out, and you can finally practice your kinks without fear of being found out.

What happens, though, if your partner finds your kink confession too much to contemplate or even disgusting?

For your sake, I hope they handle your new revelations with healthy respect and grace.

Please encourage them to ask questions or carry out some research online before making any judgment calls or rash decisions about your relationship.

It is only a kink after all, and it does not define you, nor does it mean neither of you can go on to have tremendous sexual relations.

However, if both partners don’t agree with doing something, you must accept that your pursuit of this kink with the other person must stop.

In this case, you have to be prepared to indulge in your kink alone, with porn assistance, or if agreeable by both parties, other people with whom you can explore that kink. Of course, the latter does open up your relationship to include others, and that’s a whole different ball game.

It’s how someone wants to fulfill their kink or fetish that determines whether or not it becomes an issue in your relationship.

3. Play a Game with Your Partner

You could suggest playing a game in which you both write out specific things that turn you on, acts you might like to try, or fetishes you know you’re into.

Once you’ve both done this exercise, swap papers.

On your own, go through every idea your partner has written down and for each, indicate whether you’d be very into it, you might be okay trying it, or it’s something you definitely don’t want to engage in.

Throw away all the ideas that are definitely a non-starter and run with those that you’ve both indicated you really would like to try.

When you’ve exhausted these, move onto those that you’ve indicated you’d like to have a go at.

This gives you both a fun way to introduce kinks while also complementing the other person on the things that they are already into that you really love and would like more of.

It takes a little of the pressure off and gives you both a chance to speak your mind and share what excites you in the bedroom.

I’ve created a convenient printable to get this game up and running quickly. I’ve called it the ‘Kink Rater,’ and you can download it from my store for free or as part of my free 15 Day Sexploration Challenge.

4. Start the Conversation by Asking Your Partner About Their Kinks

If you’re not into the game idea, another great way to get the conversation flowing both ways is to ask your partner if they have any sexual fantasies.

This is a common question, and it shows that you are interested in meeting their needs and desires.

They might be a little shy at first, but assure them that there’s a safe space between you and that you won’t judge them.

You could ask them if there are any sex dreams they’ve had or anything they’ve seen in a movie or while watching porn that they were slightly curious about.

Make it fun, light, and comfortable. You don’t want to put pressure on them, but you do want to encourage them to open up.

Who knows, maybe they share the same desire for bondage or your love of feet? Or, they might introduce you to something new altogether. And then you can return the favor by sharing your desires and fantasies.

You could suggest you watch some porn around a particular theme (i.e. your kink) and gauge your partner’s reaction to it.

Afterwards you can discuss what you’ve watched together and enquire whether or not they’d be open to exploring something similar with you.

Another thing you can do is to pretend you’ve had a dream about you both doing what it is that turns you on.

Again, by judging the response you get back, you can gauge the chances of that dream becoming a reality in the future.

5. Ease Into It

If you like it when your partner dominates you, but you’re dating someone who seems shy or a little vanilla, start slow.

You don’t have to jump straight into whips and chains if that’s your thing.

The next time the two of you are fooling around, try suggesting that they tie your hands behind your back.

It’s something small that they’re probably willing to do, and if you show them that you’re super into it, it might help boost their confidence and open the door to kinkier sex.

6. Suggest a Questionnaire to Your Partner

Couples take love tests and tests of compatibility all the time. And, if you want, you can start by suggesting one of those.

Then you can suggest that the two of you take a questionnaire about your sexual adventurousness.

Popular sites like Mojoupgrade and Sexionnaire are both sites that can help you figure out your sexual compatibility and discover each other’s desires.

Questionnaires are a great way to get the conversation going because it’s an activity you can do together, and it helps build the bond between the two of you.

7. Use an App

XConfessions is an app promising to help work out what kinky fantasies your partner has.

It is created by Erika Lust, an indie adult filmmaker who creates female-friendly sex movies.

XConfessions is designed to work like Tinder because you only see your partner’s kink if you share it too.

The app is designed to be used by couples, so you both need to download it onto your phones. You then individually swipe through hundreds of sexual wants, ranging from the benign to the more extreme.

Any fantasies that both you and your partner swipe yes to will then appear in a couple’s “bank.” The beauty of the app is that each partner plays individually, so you get to decide for yourself which sexual fantasies you want to try and which you aren’t interested in.

One of the app’s key benefits is that if you swipe no to a fantasy, your partner will never know. Couples will only see fantasies that they’ve both swiped yes to.

XConfessions is a great app idea that gives you and your partner a new way to discover sexual fantasies you may never have even thought about before.

You can download it to your smartphone from the app store links on the XConfessions website.

Lastly, you may be reading this as a singleton with no significant other in your life right now.

Perhaps you are not yet looking to journey down the road of marriage, parenthood and a blissful long term loving relationship.

If so, you may just be looking for someone to share your fetish with or indulge in your kind of kinky sex.

There has never been a better time to connect with other like-minded individuals who perhaps share your love of butt tails and mouth gags via a plethora of internet dating sites, fetish social platforms, and mobile apps.

Many such sites and apps do, however, get mixed reviews with complaints that the escorting fraternity has infiltrated them.

With that in mind, do check out the reviews online before signing up and do due diligence to make sure you’re not about to waste your time and money on a scam website.

With that said, I’ve heard good reviews regarding KinkD whose users are all open-minded and into kink. For extra peace of mind, the app also puts users through a photo verification process, making the community safer and catfish-free.

Being vulnerable and open isn’t always easy, but it’s important to remember that honesty is key.

You should never be ashamed to voice your opinions and desires in a healthy relationship.

After all, sex is a vital part of most romantic relationships, and you deserve to be completely fulfilled.